Shitties. I mean, Cities.

It’s that time of year. For months overpaid, underemployed product and institution development top-down interpersonal solutions creators (aka ‘management consultants’ aka most useless profession since time immemorial) have been analysing data in an attempt to create the ‘Most Liveable Cities in the Entire World’ list. As usual, there are no real surprises. The top ten cities seem to give the impression that to be ‘liveable’ you must be expensive, white, and full of very tall, very boring people.

< Artist's Impression of Top 10 Cities
Top of the list was Zurich, which in 1973 was th


Sorry, I momentarily lost consciousness while typing that sentence. Back to it. Switzerland scored three cities in the top ten. In my mind, Switzerland is the K-Rudd of Europe. It's very bland, very Christian, tries to be everyone’s best friend and speaks Chinese. (Well. You get the point.) Once, JUST ONCE I’d love Switzerland to start taking sides. Stand up in their observer box at the U.N and call Sarkozy a cunt. Sell plutonium to Iran. Then sell it to Israel. Then tell Ahmedinijan that Olmert said his Mum was a screamer. That’s the kind of country I would want to see topping the list. Imagine that. A bunch of shithead Swiss running around, causing wars and then retiring to their liveable cities to enjoy the lack of traffic congestion and availability of banking services. But alas, the Swiss remain boring and on top. (Not in the sexual sense. Its all missionary for those animals.)

Now, I would like to point out an apparent typo in the list. Some halfwit at Mercer accidentally put Adelaide in at number 29. I rang them this morning to point, laugh and correct the oversight. You see, Paris is at number 33. Anyhoo, IT TURNS OUT THEY WERE SERIOUS. Oh, the humanity. They placed a paddock with a church and a cricket pitch over the city of lights, the unparalleled capital of fashion and cheese and edible gastropods….. Sigh. Keep in mind, these are the same people who got paid and spent months determining that Bagdad was, in fact, the bottom of the cities surveyed for personal safety. My 3 year old cousin, who thinks that Dora the Explorer is the Queen of Australia AND Swaziland could have told them that. Next year I vote for change. Top 50 Cities You Are Most Likely To Get A Root In. Top 50 Cities Ranked By Ease With Which You Contract Salmonella. Top 50 Cities For Ladyboys. Those lists, I need.

< Wacky Adelaide residents.