Tuesday, June 4, 2013

“You Have An Army, We Have A Halk” or, the Top 5 Reasons Why I’m Happy Going to Hell.


5. In hell, there is going to be a free press. Cause the heaven that the great, mighty Erdogan is so sure he is going to go to will naturally be controlled by him. In heaven I have to watch “Miss Turkey 2013” , “Penguins – how do they live in the cold?” and “Who wants to be a millionaire? We know you do, but you never will be so at least if we play it on repeat while the government you think might make you a millionaire are killing people on the streets, you wont have to use your brain for half a second and work out how full of shit they are”. In hell there are people with their own cameras reporting whats going on – the locations of thousands of heavily armed police, where you can get help in mobile hospitals, how you can protect yourself from the effects of the hundreds of tear gas cannisters being shot at you from close range and from helicopters, and who will shelter you when it gets too much.

 

4. In hell, I can drink beer, wear a swimming costume, have sex, read what I want, watch what I want, believe what I want. And no one is going to explicitly or implicitly refer to me as an alcoholic, a whore or a marginalist. As if that is a bad thing. You know, I was thinking about being an obedient sheep but then I remembered the whole brain/conscience/free thought/respect for others thing and changed my mind.

 

3. In hell, when I hear a loud bang, its not police firing burning, choking, filthy gas at me. It's a bunch of people getting together and letting off fireworks and dancing, chanting, being arm in arm even though they support different political parties, different factions, different football teams. Theres a 60 year old lady who taught at a public school all her life, a young kid from a village far away that no longer fears gas cause he grew up with it, an anarchist who sees how rotten the system is and puts up the barricades and starts the fires so that the people can walk forward to the police and register their own disgust despite their fear, the blind who cant see but feel the effects of tear gas in their eyes, young girls with handbags screaming every time they get scared but staying all day and into the night despite that fear, and all the other ages, races, backgrounds jumping up and down together in the joy that finally, finally they have a way to express their anger and rage that has no political or factional or racial or religious or any kind of boundary.

 

2. Tayyip’s gonna be in heaven. Him, and his devout obedient unthinking believers. Those civilian police that drove directly into a crowd of people and after being surrounded by them reversed high speed into those behind, mowing them down and carrying a man underneath the car for 30 metres before speeding away, leaving blood and terrified angry shocked people and death in their wake. You better believe those mother fuckers will be there. His army of supporters that walk beside the police with their clubs, at liberty to attack women in the street, the marginal, the unarmed with no fear in their righteous eyes. The armies of police that seem to be never ending never sleeping never seeing that fire into people with their filthy gas, fire into children, fire into buildings, take an army of 50 to beat the shit out of an 18 year old girl, patrol the streets late at night as if they are their streets and not our public space to protest and celebrate and do what we want, all in exchange for their soul. Current price is free public transport. Those women that locked people out of their building when other women and children were being shot at by water cannons. Those for whom an economy is more important than a community with diverse ideas and beliefs.

 

1. Number 1 reason I am happy to go to hell? The people who will be there.  Oh, the people you will see. There are people holding signs saying “DOES ANYONE NEED ANYTHING?”. There are scores of medical students walking around providing first aid amidst the smoke and chaos. There are doctors setting up mobile hospitals in cafes and shops, and cafes and shop owners are happy to give them their space and help out however they can. Everyone has milk or lemon to help you with your burning eyes, so much so that every time a bomb lands close you are asked 10 times in 2 minutes if you need any. There are people giving the same service to street dogs and cats, who are there because of our carelessness and suffer for reasons they cant understand. There are young men and women who run towards the gas bombs, pick them up  and throw them into water, or run to a sewer where they can toss them underground out of harms way, or toss them back at the police cause the police are protected and, hey, sometimes you gotta be five and say “he did it first!”. These men and women will run all day, looking to the skies for the bombs, doing anything to keep them away from the people. And of course, those people from before are there again, running after the young heroes and immediately applying solution to their burning eyes.  There is this one guy who drives a three wheeled bike, collecting the injured from the front line or the middle line or anywhere anyone needs help and will deliver them to the nearest medical centre. He’s well into his middle ages and has enjoyed a few good meals, but he will puff away all day through the acrid smoke and heat. I cant forget the old ladies that cant and shouldn't be out on the streets but who dutifully beat their pots and pans out their widows every night and cheer for those walking in to join the party. You can tell they are a little envious of the younger and less fragile, but happy to be waiting at home for their neighbours who still have the fearlessness of youth. There are people clearing any barricades or fires so that ambulances can get through even though sometimes those ambulances are carrying tear gas or police cause one time they might be coming to help, and we have to take that chance. There are people standing in the side streets, watching, chanting, clapping and they have families and jobs and fear for what might happen but they stay all the same cause being there is what counts. And there are the leaders, who call people to the front when they might want to hang back, who call out for calm to prevent panic and send the call back for doctors when they are needed. There are people playing drums, and setting off fireworks and singing songs and carrying funny signs so that everyone else can remember through the smoke and the terror and the violence of the police that we are here because we believe in freedom and the worth of the individual and not in the tyranny of the majority, and they help us all to remember that even though we might not agree all the time when we come together it is something far more powerful and beautiful than democracy, it is the rule of the people when they believe in themselves and no longer need to rely on a government that doesn't care for them. They can care for themselves. Fuck Tayyip. I’m going to hell.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Just dont look

http://www.smh.com.au/world/may-the-palestinians-perish-says-leading-rabbi-20100830-147bs.html

Why do we give these people airtime?
My solution for Middle East peace: stop listening to retards.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Noice


Hey Justin Zeltzer, you rock

Election 2010, or, how I learned to stab my eyeballs out with forks.



It has come to my attention that an election is being held, a time where millions of Australians will be forced into primary schools and church halls nationwide and made to choose between two poms passionately committed to making us feel that the thing located behind our eyes and in our skulls is comprised of 3 day old mincemeat left to rot in the sun. Thats right folks, Election 2010: DONT FORGET HOW STUPID YOU ALL ARE.

Now, this is a common theme of all elections. Its the time in a politicians life where they get to tour the country, kissing babies, talk about hard working families, and remind the public that it is time to forgo any semblace of intelligence they may possess. Its a message that spews from all sides of the political spectrum, a bipartisan statement to the people of Australia: YOU'RE ALL DUMB AS DOGSHIT, AND DON'T FORGET IT.

I'm eternally grateful to Gillard and Abbott for setting the standard so high so early in the piece with the ridiculousness that was Masterchef. Now, I'm in two frames of mind about this:

1. It is perhaps a good thing that the Australian people prefer to watch some dudes making twice baked duck souffle with caremelised pig trotters and a red wine jus instead of two idiots engage in a debate that results in nothing but a worm moving up and down a screen. Perhaps it is something to be proud of, extreme apathy in the face of farce. A statement from the nation telling these idiots that we don't care what they have to say, we know they are going to lie and talk rubbish and use outdated catchphrases in a grand gesture of assumption that we are all, in fact, stupid. We acknowledge this, a we choose to watch souffle, thank you very much.

OR

2. Maybe the changing of the debate was a sign that we are all stupid. I fear that this act speaks volumes. Hey, idiots, watch your show. Dont challenge us or question what we say or what we do or the actions we take in power. Watch your duck, let us have our pointless debate an hour before it starts, and confirm what we spend out whole time telling you: STOP THINKING, JUST WATCH TV. WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THE HARD STUFF.

Anyway. I didn't get to see the debate, but I did read the transcripts and BOY WERE THEY AWESOME.

Gems from Gillard:

1. "It's a choice between Australia moving forward and going back, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.." Chanelling Kang. I like it.

2. "The best country on Earth, but it can be a better country." Wait. We're the best country on Earth? When was the announcement? Was it during Masterchef, cause if it was I must have missed it. How can we be better if we're the best? What if we fuck up and move to second? Maybe we should retire and buy a house in the southern highlands and refuse to give interviews. Dont want to end up like Michael Jackson.

3. "A better economic plan where we can increase superannuation for more than 8 million hard working Australians." And the 2 million Australians who dick around at their jobs and take a few too many sickies can go get fucked.

4. "I believe in strong border protection and cracking down on people smugglers." Translation: Hey Bogans! Ill keep those towel head terrorists out!

5. "I believe in climate change, I believe its real, and I think Australians can help me here, help me, help  the nation, help their fellow Australians." Help me help you. Help me... help you. Its Jerry Ma-fucken-guire!

And Abbott

1. "This election is about a fair go." No, no, you've got it wrong. This 'election' is about people voting on who will make decisions in the Parliament. Thats what all elections are about. A 'fair go' is a retarded catch phrase rolled out by politicians at the time of elections in order to make us feel stupid and make them feel as is they are a true blue Ozzie with a ute and a hills hoist and a great grandfather who died at Gallipoli and a great great great Grandfather who used to shoot Abos for fun.

2. "My wife Margie and I know what it is like to raise a family, wrestle with a big mortgage, with school fees."
Translation: me and Margie have a big fuckoff house and all our kids go to private schools. Unlike Jules over there who looks like a dyke, but is actually living in sin with her poofter hairdressing boyfriend.

3. "If you elect the coalition you'll stop the taxes and stop the boats." Millions of bogans simultaneously think "Hmmmm.... I sure don't like taxes...... but boats? I like my boat. I like the way it sits in my driveway."

4. "They're wasting millions on pink batts" I think the debate was pretty much won at this point. Anyone who can say 'pink batts' with a straight face on a nationally televised debate to be the Prime Minister of the best country on Earth deserves the cheese. I dont know what they are, but they sound heaps like pink bits.

5. "This nothing but a pre-election fudge." "We all know what that is - another fudge" I'm still a bit mystified as to which phrase Abbott is alluding to here. Top contenders are "fuck-up" and "load of horseshit".

And, in summary, the issues that are important to the coming competition for Captain of best country on Earth are as follows:


My advice to you: hide your boats and stockpile fudge. And don't believe a word out of any of their lying mouths.

My advice to them: I'm gonna paraphrase Thoreau here. All your power and authority comes from us. All of it. Stop treating us like morons.

Kthnxby.

Monday, July 5, 2010

I love the ninemsn headlines.

"Fox attacked by cat - former popstar in feral animal rabies scare"

Seriously, some of the shit that comes up there when I check hotmail is worthy of a Nobel Prize for Awesomeness.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Suggestions for a better Australia.

1. Enough with baby bonuses and paid parental leave. I choose not to have a baby, and instead to take paid awesome leave. It entitles me to two years pay in return for retiring from the workforce to be awesome. Alternatively, I could claim the awesome bonus - a one off payment for everytime I'm awesome.

2. I know we all love to embrace our inner bogan, but is it too much to ask that journalists and editors refrain from using the following terms: Libs, firies, ambos, Aussie mums, Gen, any contraction relating to the relationship between two famous people I don't give a shit about, romp, using the word 'crisis' in regards to any rugby league related issue, tweet.

3. Shoot Miranda Devine.

Monday, June 14, 2010

And while I'm at it part 2.

I would also like to mention that I love the current opinion polls coming out of Australia. The government would lose, but no one wants that guy that looks like a plucked chicken to become Prime Minister. Have we all finally realised that the choice between one asshole and another asshole is, in fact, not a choice at all?

I don't know anything about anarchism, but it's looking pretty good right now.