Just dont look

http://www.smh.com.au/world/may-the-palestinians-perish-says-leading-rabbi-20100830-147bs.html

Why do we give these people airtime?
My solution for Middle East peace: stop listening to retards.

Noice

Hey Justin Zeltzer, you rock

Election 2010, or, how I learned to stab my eyeballs out with forks.

It has come to my attention that an election is being held, a time where millions of Australians will be forced into primary schools and church halls nationwide and made to choose between two poms passionately committed to making us feel that the thing located behind our eyes and in our skulls is comprised of 3 day old mincemeat left to rot in the sun. Thats right folks, Election 2010: DONT FORGET HOW STUPID YOU ALL ARE.

Now, this is a common theme of all elections. Its the time in a politicians life where they get to tour the country, kissing babies, talk about hard working families, and remind the public that it is time to forgo any semblace of intelligence they may possess. Its a message that spews from all sides of the political spectrum, a bipartisan statement to the people of Australia: YOU'RE ALL DUMB AS DOGSHIT, AND DON'T FORGET IT.

I'm eternally grateful to Gillard and Abbott for setting the standard so high so early in the piece with the ridiculousness that was Masterchef. Now, I'm in two frames of mind about this:

1. It is perhaps a good thing that the Australian people prefer to watch some dudes making twice baked duck souffle with caremelised pig trotters and a red wine jus instead of two idiots engage in a debate that results in nothing but a worm moving up and down a screen. Perhaps it is something to be proud of, extreme apathy in the face of farce. A statement from the nation telling these idiots that we don't care what they have to say, we know they are going to lie and talk rubbish and use outdated catchphrases in a grand gesture of assumption that we are all, in fact, stupid. We acknowledge this, a we choose to watch souffle, thank you very much.

OR

2. Maybe the changing of the debate was a sign that we are all stupid. I fear that this act speaks volumes. Hey, idiots, watch your show. Dont challenge us or question what we say or what we do or the actions we take in power. Watch your duck, let us have our pointless debate an hour before it starts, and confirm what we spend out whole time telling you: STOP THINKING, JUST WATCH TV. WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THE HARD STUFF.

Anyway. I didn't get to see the debate, but I did read the transcripts and BOY WERE THEY AWESOME.

Gems from Gillard:

1. "It's a choice between Australia moving forward and going back, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.." Chanelling Kang. I like it.

2. "The best country on Earth, but it can be a better country." Wait. We're the best country on Earth? When was the announcement? Was it during Masterchef, cause if it was I must have missed it. How can we be better if we're the best? What if we fuck up and move to second? Maybe we should retire and buy a house in the southern highlands and refuse to give interviews. Dont want to end up like Michael Jackson.

3. "A better economic plan where we can increase superannuation for more than 8 million hard working Australians." And the 2 million Australians who dick around at their jobs and take a few too many sickies can go get fucked.

4. "I believe in strong border protection and cracking down on people smugglers." Translation: Hey Bogans! Ill keep those towel head terrorists out!

5. "I believe in climate change, I believe its real, and I think Australians can help me here, help me, help  the nation, help their fellow Australians." Help me help you. Help me... help you. Its Jerry Ma-fucken-guire!

And Abbott

1. "This election is about a fair go." No, no, you've got it wrong. This 'election' is about people voting on who will make decisions in the Parliament. Thats what all elections are about. A 'fair go' is a retarded catch phrase rolled out by politicians at the time of elections in order to make us feel stupid and make them feel as is they are a true blue Ozzie with a ute and a hills hoist and a great grandfather who died at Gallipoli and a great great great Grandfather who used to shoot Abos for fun.

2. "My wife Margie and I know what it is like to raise a family, wrestle with a big mortgage, with school fees."
Translation: me and Margie have a big fuckoff house and all our kids go to private schools. Unlike Jules over there who looks like a dyke, but is actually living in sin with her poofter hairdressing boyfriend.

3. "If you elect the coalition you'll stop the taxes and stop the boats." Millions of bogans simultaneously think "Hmmmm.... I sure don't like taxes...... but boats? I like my boat. I like the way it sits in my driveway."

4. "They're wasting millions on pink batts" I think the debate was pretty much won at this point. Anyone who can say 'pink batts' with a straight face on a nationally televised debate to be the Prime Minister of the best country on Earth deserves the cheese. I dont know what they are, but they sound heaps like pink bits.

5. "This nothing but a pre-election fudge." "We all know what that is - another fudge" I'm still a bit mystified as to which phrase Abbott is alluding to here. Top contenders are "fuck-up" and "load of horseshit".

And, in summary, the issues that are important to the coming competition for Captain of best country on Earth are as follows:

My advice to you: hide your boats and stockpile fudge. And don't believe a word out of any of their lying mouths.

My advice to them: I'm gonna paraphrase Thoreau here. All your power and authority comes from us. All of it. Stop treating us like morons.

Kthnxby.

I love the ninemsn headlines.

"Fox attacked by cat - former popstar in feral animal rabies scare"

Seriously, some of the shit that comes up there when I check hotmail is worthy of a Nobel Prize for Awesomeness.

Suggestions for a better Australia.

1. Enough with baby bonuses and paid parental leave. I choose not to have a baby, and instead to take paid awesome leave. It entitles me to two years pay in return for retiring from the workforce to be awesome. Alternatively, I could claim the awesome bonus - a one off payment for everytime I'm awesome.

2. I know we all love to embrace our inner bogan, but is it too much to ask that journalists and editors refrain from using the following terms: Libs, firies, ambos, Aussie mums, Gen, any contraction relating to the relationship between two famous people I don't give a shit about, romp, using the word 'crisis' in regards to any rugby league related issue, tweet.

3. Shoot Miranda Devine.

And while I'm at it part 2.

I would also like to mention that I love the current opinion polls coming out of Australia. The government would lose, but no one wants that guy that looks like a plucked chicken to become Prime Minister. Have we all finally realised that the choice between one asshole and another asshole is, in fact, not a choice at all?

I don't know anything about anarchism, but it's looking pretty good right now.

And while I'm at it.

IT'S HEAR, HEAR - NOT HERE, HERE RETARDS.

NEWS FLASH! PEOPLE ACT LIKE JERKS!

Some shit happened with a ship and a bunch of paratroopers, and I have nothing to say about any of it cause the continual disobedeince of the laws enforced on the people of a nation by the goverments that impose them* is completely unsurprising.

BUT. Once again hilarity ensues. You can't make this shit up. Like the Israelis who sailed to Cyprus after the first ship incident to protest, oh, everything they see wrong with past and present Turkish governments. Its awesome. Like an argument between two 7 year olds:

Mehmet Turk: You guys are assholes to Palestinians!

Elias Israel: Yeah? Well you guys killed Armenians and you are still assholes to Kurds!

Mehmet Turk: Yeah? Yeah? Well you guys killed Jesus!

And so on.

And may I make special mention of Ali Shiraz (Khomenei's representative inside the national guard), who brought tears to my eyes with this gem:

"Iran's navy forces are ready to escort the peace flotilla to Gaza with all their forces and capabilities."

Yeah. And I'm willing to supply a flotilla of protesting vegans with lambswool sweaters and a flock of genetically modified battery hens to ride on. I think he's missing the point.

Thankyou world for the laughs this week, its been awesome.


*And I'm talking about ALL nations here. Except maybe St Kitts & Nevis. I don't know much about them.

Art/grafitti blah blah

Charles Purcell had a big whinge about Banksy in the paper today:

http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/hey-banksy-graffiti-is-vandalism-not-art-20100504-u69x.html

I'm not going to comment on what he said cause I don't care, and he's an old bored dude with nothing else to whinge about, but I do want to highlight on the excellent reply left by Margaret Roller in the reader's comments bit:

Here here Charles, I say that we go one step further and castrate all teenagers who are caught grafitting our fair city. This would ensure that they can never breed children who grow up in a society where painting on walls is considered acceptable. 


Leaving aside the fact that that only teenagers would be punished by castration in grafitti related offences, I fully support the removal of balls and ovaries as a new punishment in NSW. Lets not limit it to grafitti. Commit fraud under the Corporations Act? That will be one left testicle Mr Brownley. Failure to hold a current licence under the Explosives Act (which I recently discovered the existence of - also awesome)? That'll be both ovaries. I comepletely agree with you Ms Roller - let's have less creativity on the streets and more creativity in  punishment. Here here indeed.

Ne işin fln part 2

  

Just to recap: Ankara - dry, ugly, bureuacratic.

And so, friends,  why?

Firstly, its a little known fact that every Monday in Ankara the local councils give EVERYONE IN THE CİTY 500 LİRA. On the first Tuesday of the month, its free beer at all restaurants and bars. Transport is free, and all the taps in houses have 3 settings: water, beer and ice tea. If you want to go on holiday from Ankara, you are provided with a free bus ticket to your chosen location and will be directed to a house where you can stay, no payment, at your leisure. There is a city wide law that no one is allowed to be an asshole. Seriously - you can get fined 1000 lira on the spot for being an asshole.

OK, some or all of that may have been a total lie. I stay here cause I like it. I like the weird and funny people I meet. The food is good. Its small. Living in such a shit city, no one takes themselves too seriously. And in spring, when the trees and flowers are in bloom, its not so ugly after all.

voo-doo economics.

I don't know dick about economics, but two money related things have occurred to me over the last week.

1. The best suite at the new Armani hotel in Dubai costs 11800 AUD for one night. FACT: If the occupiers of that suite stayed at my house and paid that amount of money they would be able to stay for 4.999 years.

2. In İslam interest is forbidden. FACT: if I ever feel the urge to buy a house, I will definetely borrow the money from an Iranian bank.

Ne işin var burda?

Every week I get asked at least a hundred times a week, possibly a thousand depending on how inquisitive my customers are or how often I speak to my parents, 'What the fuck are you doing in Ankara?'

In order to fully explain the answer to this question, I have decided to provide you with possible motivaions behind the question.

1. Ankara is located in a semi arid desert. It's as dry as ones mouth after drinking ten beers. There are no notable natural water feaures to speak of. Well, there are some lakes but in Australia we would call them puddles at best. Australia is the driest continent on Earth. Think about it.

2. It's ugly as hell. I mean really ugly. Possibly, in the 70's, that Dad off the Brady Bunch was given the brief to deign Ankara and was rejected cause his designs were too beautiful. For all those who have visited Canberra, imagine that city, then remove the man made lake, then feed it ugly pills, then burn it, then get it rebuilt by a blind Soviet architect, then possibly you may have some clue of how gross it is.

3. Its full of people that are there cause they have to be, and boy are they pissed about it. Students, bureaucrats, politicians, those forced to move here for work, all asking the question 'Why in God's name, when I could live in İstanbul, or on the Med, or in the hills of the Black Sea, or in a pleasant village where I get woken up by chickens and shit, am I here in Ankara?'

Answer to come Thursday.

Plagiarism or coincidence?

http://www.smh.com.au/travel/travel-news/the-horror-trapped-in-beautiful-paris-20100419-soww.html?rand=1271661289817

now, is this a little bit similar to:

http://imakehamburgers.blogspot.com/2008_12_01_archive.html

or maybe i'm getting paranoid.

If nothing else, studies provide us with laughter.

                      Not even you, apple tree monster, can be saved from cancer by the power of apples




So, it appears that fruit and veggies (another word, which along with cops, firies and ambos should be banished from publication) don't prevent cancer.


Shit. I was under the impression that every person, in the history of the world, who got cancer had NEVER EVER EATEN A SINGLE FRUIT OR VEGETABLE IN THEIR LIVES. Thus, acquiring cancer.

http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/wellbeing/eat-your-fruit-and-veggies-but-they-might-not-prevent-cancer-20100406-rpfs.html

Jesus H. Christ. (I've always wanted to write that. Suggestions for what H stands for are welcomed and embraced.) According to studies, the sun gives you cancer and red wine doesn't.* Do people to listen to studies anymore? Does the media report on them with any level of conviction? Did I wake up in some lunatic assylum referred to as Earth? It would appear so people... it would appear so...


*Vampires must never get cancer. Must become vampire.

Everyday more of us are born and more of them die. (part1: flag rant.)

I always liked this quote, stolen from The Drifters, it gave me some hope for the future, a sense that the revolution would come and all the lying assholes would lose their control over politics, education, their economy, media, art, music, me.

So, having worked out that that will not happen, I've revised it:

Everyday more of us are born, but they've trained us all so bloody well that it doesn't matter if they die.

What am I going on about? What is happening to the young and brilliant, to the unspoiled kids who go from creating their own world to being made to stand in lines and salute a flag? What does it teach them?

I stumbled across this awesomeness courtesy of the federal government: 'It's an Honour. Australians celebrating Australia.'

So, its this website dedicated to that kind of crap. The AO, the flag, the importance of knowing the colours our athletes wear in international competition etc. And, in actual fact, it is very, very funny. Lets take a look at the tips given on flying the flag to schools:

• The flag should be raised briskly and lowered ceremoniously.

So, I can raise it with running man actions and still meet 'brisk' protocols, but lowering must only be ceremonious. What speed, exactly, is ceremonious?

• Unless all flags are raised and lowered simultaneously, the Australian National Flag should be raised first and lowered last.
• When the Australian National Flag is flown with flags of other nations, all flags should be the same size and flown on flagpoles of the same height
• When flying with only one other national flag, the Australian National Flag should fly on the left of a person facing the flags.

We're better than everyone else. Don't forget it. And, by the power of one piece of coloured cloth flying over another piece of coloured cloth, we will show you all.

• The flag should never be flown if it is damaged, faded or dilapidated. When the material of a flag deteriorates it should be destroyed privately and in a dignified way. i.e it may be cut into small unrecognisable pieces then disposed of with the normal rubbish collection.

Treat it like you do your porn collection.

• The flag should not be flown upside down, even as a signal of distress.

Oh god. We're stranded on a desert island full of zombies infected by ebola virus with one television that plays survivor on repeat. Is it time to hang the flag upside down as a signal of our distress?

• The flag should not fall or lie on the ground or be used as a cover.

Read previous post. If they got the flag police out at Anzac day in Gallipoli... = profit.

There's also a fun quiz you can do.

http://www.itsanhonour.gov.au/students/quiz/symbol/quiz/index.cfm

Everyday more of us are born - but they are getting better at their job. Protect kids from this junk.

More to come.

Lest We Forget?

It's coming. Anzac Day is a couple of weeks away, and with it we get the yearly warnings from RSL Presidents fearful of babies in strollers, that retard Tony Abbott reminding us (with great Catholic eloquence) that it is a sacred day. Divine and holy. The most important day of the year. Wear a suit and tie. Don't forget.

You'd think they'd be satisfied. Gallipoli has become one of the most popular stops on the backpacker pilgrims trail. It's right up there with those gay kangarooo/Foster's themed pubs in England, stealing giant beer mugs at Oktober fest and drinking blue 2 euro cocktails on a Greek island til you pash another bogan and/or pass out. Thousands of them, bussed down from İstanbul, still hungover from the bars of Sultana-met, covered in flags they carried from Sydney, standing starry eyed in that beautiful cove, swept up in that most despcicable of emotions - nationalistic pride.

Lest we forget? Remembering death is an important thing, sure. For the families and friends of those who died. National memory? Lest we forget the decisions of politicians and generals who sent them there. Lest we forget that those deaths happened under, and because of that flag you are warming yourself with in the cool April air. Lest we forget that still, now, 90 years later, the same stupid politicians and generals send boys and girls to kill other boys, girls, mothers and fathers in foreign lands in which we have no business, led by powers who can still rely on our fear of invasion by some yellow peril to the north.

How despicable, that these deaths continue to be used as a patriotic badge by opportunistic politicians. I shudder when I think how many times we will have to hear 'Lest we forget' uttered from both sides of the Parliament, having involved us in more filthy war. They forget so easily, those hypocrites who mourn the loss of life in Turkey, France, Vietnam, those hypocrites who fail to prevent more death and destruction in Iraq and Afghanistan.

At least be honest. Stand up and say on April 25: I forgot. I forgot because I decided, as they did in 1910, and 1939, and 1961, and since the beginning of time that the 'national interest' was worth more than human life. Don't show up at Gallipoli and Martin Place, wear rosemary and think this act makes up for the evil you have perpetrated that defiles the memory of dead youth.

We see your hypocrisy, and it sucks.

Cops want Australia Day grog ban

OK, so I'm a bit late, but I had problems connecting to the server so SHUT UP.

Australia Day. Doesn’t it make you proud? The 26^th January, a date dedicated to the memory of white men landing and colonising the big desert to the south of Asia. Congratulations: you guys happened to sail into a piece of rock and then proceeded to kill most of its inhabitants, either purposely or vicariously, mine the shit out of it, suck its meagre rivers dry, build monstrosities along a large proportion of the coast and then produce a species known as the bogan. Let’s celebrate this by drinking fuckloads and decking ourselves out in a flag dominated by the flag of some country a billion miles away, and eerily similar to some island where  they filmed Lord of the Rings.

Whats the problem here? Setting aside the cops’ (God I hate that word) ridiculous proposals, including the usual “no full strength sold before 2pm” (ok I’ll just get it the day before retards) and “no shots” (ok I’ll just order a tequila, no ice, no lemonade), there’s something else going on. I put it to the police that the problem lies not in the supply of alcohol on this day. I put it to the police that the problem lies in the promotion of nationalism and that membership of these fake freakin nations that we created is something to be proud of and celebrate. Hey! I was born inside this imaginary border! That makes me awesome! I put it to the cops that we should ban retarded people on Australia Day. That would make far more sense.

Ok, we are a lucky country. I don’t doubt it. Most of us don’t have to worry about food, or shelter, most of us can take holidays from time to time. We can protest . (within limits. And not if an American President is in town. And it probably won’t do anything anyway.) Most of the time our legal system works. (Nerds, I’m not referring to the Al-Kateb judgment here. Never in the history of law talking guys has a crapper decision been made.) We are free to create whatever political parties we want. (Which sometimes results in awesomeness, like the fishing party, and sometimes in total farce, like One Nation. And at the end of the day, it’s a choice between Right and Righter, but I digress.) Isn’t it time we started thinking about something else? We don’t live off the sheep’s back any more. There are alot of people in the world who live in shithouse conditions that can directly or indirectly be traced back to the way we live. I assure you I’m not going on some save the world trip here, dear friends, I’m too cynical for that. But if we are going to keep on accepting the benefits of globalisation, we also have to accept that nationhood and nationalism has to take a back seat to being a member of the global community. Fuck it. Live how you want, be happy, but sometimes just think a little. Especially on Australia Day. Also, drink heaps of beer, but just think.  Cause maybe after all our luckiness and wealth and golden soil and shit we have forgotten.... something. I dunno what. But waving a flag around isn’t gonna make you feel or think anything of any importance. Drinking beer might, though.

The A-Z Of Stupid

Yes, its that time of year again. Some hack compiles a list of what is good and bad for you. (I refer you to http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/wellbeing/our-a-to-z-of-whats-good-for-you--and-when-its-not-20100102-lmj3.html) It always includes such jaw dropping facts as:


‘Red wine: research shows that 1.5 glasses a day may actually be good for the heart!!!’

Wow. Hey guys, tonight do you want to go out and drink 1.5 glasses of red wine??!! Here’s a story: there’s no story until they tell us that 1.5 bottles of the stuff is good for us. And so, I present the A-Z of Stupid. (NB: the following are all bad for you. Very. Bad.)

ARCHERS: Is it really a drink? Or just peach flavoured bullshit? Research shows the latter.

BABE: This, my friends, is a word that needs to be banished from the well of human knowledge. Research shows that calling people babe makes you not only look but actually become more stupid.

CARS WITH THOSE BAD GIRL STICKERS: No one actually thinks you are a bad girl if you sport one of these stickers on your Barina. Research shows they just think you are a bogan.

DICK STICKERS WORN IN AN ATTEMPT TO BE IRONIC: No, see the reason no one under 40 and over 12 used to wear them until a few years ago is cause they are gross. Writing budgy smugglers on the back of them and sporting them on a European holiday makes them no less gross. Research has shown you are a dickhead.

ENGLAND: The weather is shit. The food is shit. Its expensive. Prince Charles lives there. Research indicates if you live in England, you are 90% more likely to suck at life and whinge about it.

FACEBOOK “FRIENDS”: If someone hasn’t seen or spoken to you for 10 years, there’s probably a reason for it. Research has shown that you are not actually friends, and adding the person on face-bok makes no difference.

GIRLS WHO CARRY THEIR BAGS LIKE ‘THAT’: You know what I’m talking about. They’ve read a few too many Who Weekly’s, and all of a sudden they have to perch their bag on the end of their extended arm as if Miuccia Prada is going to see their photo and start sending them free bags as a form of advertising. Research has shown that carrying bag like ‘that’ is one of the first steps into retardville.

HOMOPHOBIA: See, the thing is, who another human being sleeps with is in fact none of your business. Research shows that this fact would be more widely understood if I carried around a sign saying “GOD HATES PEOPLE THAT SLEEP WITH YOU, REV FRED NILE”.

IRAQ WAR, THE: Really. Fucking. Good. Idea. Lets try for regime change in a country with a culture completely different from ours, led by an army headed by George W Bush. Research shows that was one of the dumbest moves in human history.

JUICE BARS: Come on.... When did it become acceptable to charge $6 for freakin orange juice? Research indicates that half a litre of pulverized fruit and ice cream with a “skinny boost” will not, in fact, make you skinnier.

KISSING IN PUBLIC: I’m not talking about a quick peck. I’m talking about those socially inept loser couples that insist on sucking face in the street, in a bar, or on the bus. Research has revealed a direct link between licking someones tonsils in public and my propensity to projectile vomit.

LAW, THE STUDYING OF: Spend 5 years learning what a bunch of old white men have said. Realise sometimes the current crop of old white men make unbelievably stupid decisions. Graduate. Research shows after graduation you have a 90% chance of being a shitkicker for aforementioned men.

MILLIPIYANGO, MY NON WINNING OF IT: Its the local version of Lotto. I never win. Whats with that? Doesn’t need to be a million. Reports out recently suggest that if I won, you guys wouldn’t have to listen to me rant. I’d take the money and run far, far away.

NON VIOLENT PROTEST: Do the math. The arsenal of the state, their police, their army, their security cameras, their prisons vs you and your cardboard sign. Research shows that people who say ‘it worked for Ghandi’ are 100% likely to fail in their attempt to change anything.

OVERATED MOVIES: So help me God, one day I will take sweet sweet revenge on the person who forced me to see Avatar. Latest reports indicate that never in the history of man has such a clichéd, boring, unnecessarily long film made so much money at the box office. Except fucking Titanic. James Cameron, a curse on your many million dollar houses.

PETER GARRETT: also known as OUT, SELL. Just cause Labor is slightly left of the Liberal Party, who are slightly to the left of Gengis Khan, doesn’t mean you will be doing anything to help trees, or Aboriginal land rights, or whales, or anything else you used to sing about. Research indicates you should go join the queue for an iPod advertising campaign behind Bono and The White Stripes – also formerly known as rock stars who thought they had street cred.

QUALIFICATIONS FOR INTERNSHIPS: Just try and find an internship with the freakin UN or Doctors without borders or some other ‘we save the world’ group. You must have 875 degrees, done volunteer work for at least 5 years, and be able to fully support yourself for the duration of the internship. In New York. Research shows this results in high levels of interns from privileged, white, boring backgrounds. Yeah, cause rich white guys have done so well at saving the world in the past.

ROVE MCMANUS: Not funny. Seriously: Not. Funny. I know. He lost his wife. I shouldn’t be so harsh, etc etc. But the fact is, he was on TV for a really long time and research shows that he was not, in fact, funny. May him an Darryl Sommers be sentenced to life watching re-runs of their own programs.

SERIAL KILLERS: Choosing people to kill based on reasons such as sex, or because their house was unlocked, or had different skin colour to you is shithouse. Choose carefully, psychopaths. Research shows that if a serial killer had taken out Slobodan Milosevic, GWB, Pol Pot and the entire military leadership of Burma, he would have been more appreciated by the general public. Loved, even.

TELEVISION, DESCENT INTO HELL OF: Popstars. Australian Idol. The continuing existence of Home and Away. Big Brother. News on channels 2, 7, 9 and 10. Rove Live. Research indicates you don’t even need to watch them to become dumber. Just their presence in the ether is enough.

U, AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR YOU: TXT SPLNG IS BAD 4 UR BREIN. U WIL B STUPIDR. SMRT PEPL SAY L8TR U WIL NOT B RITE IN HED. KTHNXBY.

VICTORIA BECKHAM: Hi. I’m an alien posing as a human. My lips, as if stung by a thousand bees, are frozen for all eternity. Everywhere you look, there I am. Research has shown that I am the most useless entity in all human history.

WALLABIES, THE: Lets choose 15 young, big, fast guys. Then lets pay them heaps and heaps of money and pamper to their every whim. Then lets tell them not to indulge in the favourite hobbies of rich, young, big guys: drinking, taking drugs, and sleeping with young girls. Then lets watch them lose. Research shows that we created these monsters.

X, LACK OF WORDS STARTING WITH: Its time we did away with this most useless of letters. XRay. Xylophone. Xenophobia. Studies show that abolishing this letter would do nothing to lessen the richness of the English language. EksRay. Zylophone. Zenophobia. Did you miss it?

YOPLAIT, ITS FRENCH FOR YUM: Nah, just kidding. Research shows that heaps of bogans now actually think that Yoplait is, in fact, French for yum. That’s awesome.

ZENOPHOBIA, NOTE NEW SPELLING TOTALLY WORKS: OK. Its time we got something straight. We all came from monkeys. Just cause that guys monkey ancestor happened to live closer to Tashkent and your monkey ancestor happened to live closer to Manchester doesn’t make either one of you better or shitter than the other. Research shows that if instead of dividing the people of the world into nationalities or races, and instead divided them into stupid and not stupid, we would all be alot better off.

Hadi, see youse all later.

Kanasız kuşlar, veya, hiç bir fikri olmayan kızlar.

Bu aralar, Dünya Sağlık Örgütü’ne toplumda kadınların konuşma kabiliyetlerini kaybetmiş olabileceklerine dair potansiyel bir salgın hastalık raporu göndermeyi düşünüyorum. Galiba, artık kadınların ses telleri yavaş yavaş yok oluyor  veya Türkiye’de her ne kadar manastır popüler olmasada kadınların bir çoğu yeni bir dini kadınlar birliği oluşturacak ve bunun için sessizlik yemini ettiler.

Yani, demek istediğim, bu sıralarda cafe ve bar sektöründe çalıştığım için, zamanımın çoğu aşşağıdaki şu diyaloğu (veya monoloğu...) duymakla geçiyor. Şöyle ki.....

BEN – Hoşgeldiniz

X KIZI – (Sessizlik)

BEN – Ne içmek istersin?

X KIZI – (Sessizlik ve yanındaki adam ile çok alçak sesle beni görmezlikten gelerek konuşma)

--------- SAHNEYE BİR ADAM GİRER-------

Y ADAMI – Sprite. Bir tane.

---------- SAHNEMİN SONU --------------

Fakat durun! Soruyu kıza yöneltim ve adam cevapladı! (diyorsunuz)

Kesinlikle. Aptal değilsiniz. İnsan vücudunun bazı aksaklıkları yüzünden, binlerce belki milyonlarca kız konuşma yetilerini kaybetmiş. ‘Ne istersin?’ Bu çok zor bir soru mu? Onlara Eski Sümerde çiftcilik ve tarımın nasıl yapıldığını sormuyorum. Onlara  en yakın tuvaletin nerede olduğunu da sormadım. ‘Ne is-ti-yor-sun’ Bu soru bir erkeğin müdahelesini gerektirecek bir soru değil. Sadece sorulan kişiden bana gelecek olan bir cevap yeterli. Yani, konuşma böyle yapılır. İnsanoğlu binelerce yıldır, sorulan sorulara cevap veriyor. Bu sadece soru ve cevap.

Herneyse, asıl nokta... erkerlere karşı sesimizin en güçlü silahımız olduğunu unutmayın. Eğer bunu anladıysanız kulanın. Bir daha ki sefere Sprite istediğinizi siz söyleyin, çünkü aptal erkek arkadaşınıza sormuyorum.

Herkese mutlu yıllar!

(Thanks Gozde Hanim and the monkey for translation help)