The A-Z Of Stupid

Yes, its that time of year again. Some hack compiles a list of what is good and bad for you. (I refer you to http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/wellbeing/our-a-to-z-of-whats-good-for-you--and-when-its-not-20100102-lmj3.html) It always includes such jaw dropping facts as:


‘Red wine: research shows that 1.5 glasses a day may actually be good for the heart!!!’

Wow. Hey guys, tonight do you want to go out and drink 1.5 glasses of red wine??!! Here’s a story: there’s no story until they tell us that 1.5 bottles of the stuff is good for us. And so, I present the A-Z of Stupid. (NB: the following are all bad for you. Very. Bad.)

ARCHERS: Is it really a drink? Or just peach flavoured bullshit? Research shows the latter.

BABE: This, my friends, is a word that needs to be banished from the well of human knowledge. Research shows that calling people babe makes you not only look but actually become more stupid.

CARS WITH THOSE BAD GIRL STICKERS: No one actually thinks you are a bad girl if you sport one of these stickers on your Barina. Research shows they just think you are a bogan.

DICK STICKERS WORN IN AN ATTEMPT TO BE IRONIC: No, see the reason no one under 40 and over 12 used to wear them until a few years ago is cause they are gross. Writing budgy smugglers on the back of them and sporting them on a European holiday makes them no less gross. Research has shown you are a dickhead.

ENGLAND: The weather is shit. The food is shit. Its expensive. Prince Charles lives there. Research indicates if you live in England, you are 90% more likely to suck at life and whinge about it.

FACEBOOK “FRIENDS”: If someone hasn’t seen or spoken to you for 10 years, there’s probably a reason for it. Research has shown that you are not actually friends, and adding the person on face-bok makes no difference.

GIRLS WHO CARRY THEIR BAGS LIKE ‘THAT’: You know what I’m talking about. They’ve read a few too many Who Weekly’s, and all of a sudden they have to perch their bag on the end of their extended arm as if Miuccia Prada is going to see their photo and start sending them free bags as a form of advertising. Research has shown that carrying bag like ‘that’ is one of the first steps into retardville.

HOMOPHOBIA: See, the thing is, who another human being sleeps with is in fact none of your business. Research shows that this fact would be more widely understood if I carried around a sign saying “GOD HATES PEOPLE THAT SLEEP WITH YOU, REV FRED NILE”.

IRAQ WAR, THE: Really. Fucking. Good. Idea. Lets try for regime change in a country with a culture completely different from ours, led by an army headed by George W Bush. Research shows that was one of the dumbest moves in human history.

JUICE BARS: Come on.... When did it become acceptable to charge $6 for freakin orange juice? Research indicates that half a litre of pulverized fruit and ice cream with a “skinny boost” will not, in fact, make you skinnier.

KISSING IN PUBLIC: I’m not talking about a quick peck. I’m talking about those socially inept loser couples that insist on sucking face in the street, in a bar, or on the bus. Research has revealed a direct link between licking someones tonsils in public and my propensity to projectile vomit.

LAW, THE STUDYING OF: Spend 5 years learning what a bunch of old white men have said. Realise sometimes the current crop of old white men make unbelievably stupid decisions. Graduate. Research shows after graduation you have a 90% chance of being a shitkicker for aforementioned men.

MILLIPIYANGO, MY NON WINNING OF IT: Its the local version of Lotto. I never win. Whats with that? Doesn’t need to be a million. Reports out recently suggest that if I won, you guys wouldn’t have to listen to me rant. I’d take the money and run far, far away.

NON VIOLENT PROTEST: Do the math. The arsenal of the state, their police, their army, their security cameras, their prisons vs you and your cardboard sign. Research shows that people who say ‘it worked for Ghandi’ are 100% likely to fail in their attempt to change anything.

OVERATED MOVIES: So help me God, one day I will take sweet sweet revenge on the person who forced me to see Avatar. Latest reports indicate that never in the history of man has such a clichéd, boring, unnecessarily long film made so much money at the box office. Except fucking Titanic. James Cameron, a curse on your many million dollar houses.

PETER GARRETT: also known as OUT, SELL. Just cause Labor is slightly left of the Liberal Party, who are slightly to the left of Gengis Khan, doesn’t mean you will be doing anything to help trees, or Aboriginal land rights, or whales, or anything else you used to sing about. Research indicates you should go join the queue for an iPod advertising campaign behind Bono and The White Stripes – also formerly known as rock stars who thought they had street cred.

QUALIFICATIONS FOR INTERNSHIPS: Just try and find an internship with the freakin UN or Doctors without borders or some other ‘we save the world’ group. You must have 875 degrees, done volunteer work for at least 5 years, and be able to fully support yourself for the duration of the internship. In New York. Research shows this results in high levels of interns from privileged, white, boring backgrounds. Yeah, cause rich white guys have done so well at saving the world in the past.

ROVE MCMANUS: Not funny. Seriously: Not. Funny. I know. He lost his wife. I shouldn’t be so harsh, etc etc. But the fact is, he was on TV for a really long time and research shows that he was not, in fact, funny. May him an Darryl Sommers be sentenced to life watching re-runs of their own programs.

SERIAL KILLERS: Choosing people to kill based on reasons such as sex, or because their house was unlocked, or had different skin colour to you is shithouse. Choose carefully, psychopaths. Research shows that if a serial killer had taken out Slobodan Milosevic, GWB, Pol Pot and the entire military leadership of Burma, he would have been more appreciated by the general public. Loved, even.

TELEVISION, DESCENT INTO HELL OF: Popstars. Australian Idol. The continuing existence of Home and Away. Big Brother. News on channels 2, 7, 9 and 10. Rove Live. Research indicates you don’t even need to watch them to become dumber. Just their presence in the ether is enough.

U, AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR YOU: TXT SPLNG IS BAD 4 UR BREIN. U WIL B STUPIDR. SMRT PEPL SAY L8TR U WIL NOT B RITE IN HED. KTHNXBY.

VICTORIA BECKHAM: Hi. I’m an alien posing as a human. My lips, as if stung by a thousand bees, are frozen for all eternity. Everywhere you look, there I am. Research has shown that I am the most useless entity in all human history.

WALLABIES, THE: Lets choose 15 young, big, fast guys. Then lets pay them heaps and heaps of money and pamper to their every whim. Then lets tell them not to indulge in the favourite hobbies of rich, young, big guys: drinking, taking drugs, and sleeping with young girls. Then lets watch them lose. Research shows that we created these monsters.

X, LACK OF WORDS STARTING WITH: Its time we did away with this most useless of letters. XRay. Xylophone. Xenophobia. Studies show that abolishing this letter would do nothing to lessen the richness of the English language. EksRay. Zylophone. Zenophobia. Did you miss it?

YOPLAIT, ITS FRENCH FOR YUM: Nah, just kidding. Research shows that heaps of bogans now actually think that Yoplait is, in fact, French for yum. That’s awesome.

ZENOPHOBIA, NOTE NEW SPELLING TOTALLY WORKS: OK. Its time we got something straight. We all came from monkeys. Just cause that guys monkey ancestor happened to live closer to Tashkent and your monkey ancestor happened to live closer to Manchester doesn’t make either one of you better or shitter than the other. Research shows that if instead of dividing the people of the world into nationalities or races, and instead divided them into stupid and not stupid, we would all be alot better off.

Hadi, see youse all later.