Date With Kate

Having recently had the pleasure of visiting Sydney, also known as the place bars go to die, I was overjoyed to note that my complete lack of faith in the journalistic endeavours of Sydney papers is more than justified. Yes, I refer to the newest addition to the Sun Herald’s ‘S’ section known, very wittily I might add, as ‘Date with Kate’. Cause people go on a date. With someone called Kate.

Get it?

I know it more than stinks of shooting fish in a barrel, but I will attempt to provide you, dear readers, with a weekly summary of the interview of Z list celebrities by anoth...... a person called Kate. The first victim: Kevin Federline. For those of you distracted over the past few years by the chemical formula for salt or instructions on how to make instant coffee, KFed spread his seed in such a way that the world now has not one but TWO of Britney Spears’ progeny. Thanks Kev. Here goes.

Kate: Sooo..... liiike.... how’d you get so fat?

KFed: I embarked on a three month program of consuming nothing but deep fried oreos, bacon cheeseburgers and baileys milkshakes. Combined with 18 hours of television a day and a glass of lard before bed, its amazing how the body responds. I have a new song coming out. You should totally check it out.

Kate: Once, when I was five, I visited the zoo.

KFed: (Silence)

Kate: So...... do you look after your kids?

KFed: We have a specially constructed cage. I throw half a chicken in there once a week. Britney comes and feeds them Starbucks intravenously from time to time. Did I mention my new hot track?

Kate: Sometimes, at night, I like to stare in the mirror and empty my mind of all thoughts. It doesn’t take long.

KFed: Buy my music. Look at me. Listen to me.

And so on and so on.

Kate, you have a chance to ask these people hard hitting questions about their descent into the pool of stinking shit that is known as celebrityhood. Next time, something more along the lines of:

So Kevin, does having a giant dick sticking out of your head make life any harder?

Is Britney as dumb in person as she appears to the rest us?

You and our esteemed PM have the same first name. Any relation?

Would you say you were a democrat or do you swing more along the lines of benevolent dictatorship?

More to follow kids.