Hi! I pretend to report news, but really I just print bullshit. My name is the Herald.

HELP! There are men in my backyard wielding swords!


So I was gonna write this week on the decision of a Turkish court to dissolve the DTP, a Kurdish political party, and one which has the support of a significant percent of the population. About 5% nationally and almost 50% in areas like Diyarbakir with big Kurd populations. Anyway, having thought about it, I think its fairly self evident that the decision was one made by a big bunch of retards and is a big pile of stinking crap that will bring more violence to a country that has had more than its fair share of bloodshed. So: Constitutional Court: a big fuck you and may you never sleep soundly in your big beds. Harsh, but fair.

THEREFORE: to keep it light at Christmas time, I decided to return to my usual target of the Sydney Morning Herald. That old chestnut. Ole!

I refer you to an article published December 25: ‘Celebrity Stunts and Stuff Ups’.
Opening line:

Celebrities got themselves into trouble by saying and doing stupid things in 2009.

1. If you look in the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of a celebrity reads like this:

Celebrity (n): a person who does and says stupid things.

So the opening line was kind of like writing ‘Dogs found themselves in trouble this year by using four legs to walk and saying ‘woof woof’ alot.’

2. Referring to Home and Away’s wholesome image, reportedly lost after whatshername called the cops after too much rack. Wholesome: Gingerbread. White picket fences. The Brady Bunch. Visiting Nana every Sunday. Home and Away: Stupid. Mindless. Dribble.

The Home and Away mistakes continued: the show is accused of having a culture of drugs and partying. The show is filmed in Sydney. Its actors are “young and hot”. The show is filmed in Sydney. A culture of drugs and partying is news how?

3. Mentioning the name Kyle Sandilands. The guy could stand at the doors of Dachau, doing the Nazi salute and letting off firecrackers while chanting Seig Heil! Seig Heil! And I still wouldn’t give a shit. No more publicity for this moron please. Ignore him and he will go away.

4. Reporting that Hugh Jackman’s twitter thing got the name of the Opera House wrong. Sorry, I was momentarily distracted by a chair.

5. Referring to Merrick and Rosso as a ‘comedy team’. Try ‘two guys who hang out and say nothing of any value, comedic or not, every day. And broadcast it to the world.’

And so on. One day, in a perfect world, we will be rid of this celebrity rubbish. We wait in angst.