voo-doo economics.

I don't know dick about economics, but two money related things have occurred to me over the last week.

1. The best suite at the new Armani hotel in Dubai costs 11800 AUD for one night. FACT: If the occupiers of that suite stayed at my house and paid that amount of money they would be able to stay for 4.999 years.

2. In İslam interest is forbidden. FACT: if I ever feel the urge to buy a house, I will definetely borrow the money from an Iranian bank.

Ne işin var burda?

Every week I get asked at least a hundred times a week, possibly a thousand depending on how inquisitive my customers are or how often I speak to my parents, 'What the fuck are you doing in Ankara?'

In order to fully explain the answer to this question, I have decided to provide you with possible motivaions behind the question.

1. Ankara is located in a semi arid desert. It's as dry as ones mouth after drinking ten beers. There are no notable natural water feaures to speak of. Well, there are some lakes but in Australia we would call them puddles at best. Australia is the driest continent on Earth. Think about it.

2. It's ugly as hell. I mean really ugly. Possibly, in the 70's, that Dad off the Brady Bunch was given the brief to deign Ankara and was rejected cause his designs were too beautiful. For all those who have visited Canberra, imagine that city, then remove the man made lake, then feed it ugly pills, then burn it, then get it rebuilt by a blind Soviet architect, then possibly you may have some clue of how gross it is.

3. Its full of people that are there cause they have to be, and boy are they pissed about it. Students, bureaucrats, politicians, those forced to move here for work, all asking the question 'Why in God's name, when I could live in İstanbul, or on the Med, or in the hills of the Black Sea, or in a pleasant village where I get woken up by chickens and shit, am I here in Ankara?'

Answer to come Thursday.

Plagiarism or coincidence?

http://www.smh.com.au/travel/travel-news/the-horror-trapped-in-beautiful-paris-20100419-soww.html?rand=1271661289817

now, is this a little bit similar to:

http://imakehamburgers.blogspot.com/2008_12_01_archive.html

or maybe i'm getting paranoid.

If nothing else, studies provide us with laughter.

                      Not even you, apple tree monster, can be saved from cancer by the power of apples




So, it appears that fruit and veggies (another word, which along with cops, firies and ambos should be banished from publication) don't prevent cancer.


Shit. I was under the impression that every person, in the history of the world, who got cancer had NEVER EVER EATEN A SINGLE FRUIT OR VEGETABLE IN THEIR LIVES. Thus, acquiring cancer.

http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/wellbeing/eat-your-fruit-and-veggies-but-they-might-not-prevent-cancer-20100406-rpfs.html

Jesus H. Christ. (I've always wanted to write that. Suggestions for what H stands for are welcomed and embraced.) According to studies, the sun gives you cancer and red wine doesn't.* Do people to listen to studies anymore? Does the media report on them with any level of conviction? Did I wake up in some lunatic assylum referred to as Earth? It would appear so people... it would appear so...


*Vampires must never get cancer. Must become vampire.

Everyday more of us are born and more of them die. (part1: flag rant.)

I always liked this quote, stolen from The Drifters, it gave me some hope for the future, a sense that the revolution would come and all the lying assholes would lose their control over politics, education, their economy, media, art, music, me.

So, having worked out that that will not happen, I've revised it:

Everyday more of us are born, but they've trained us all so bloody well that it doesn't matter if they die.

What am I going on about? What is happening to the young and brilliant, to the unspoiled kids who go from creating their own world to being made to stand in lines and salute a flag? What does it teach them?

I stumbled across this awesomeness courtesy of the federal government: 'It's an Honour. Australians celebrating Australia.'

So, its this website dedicated to that kind of crap. The AO, the flag, the importance of knowing the colours our athletes wear in international competition etc. And, in actual fact, it is very, very funny. Lets take a look at the tips given on flying the flag to schools:

• The flag should be raised briskly and lowered ceremoniously.

So, I can raise it with running man actions and still meet 'brisk' protocols, but lowering must only be ceremonious. What speed, exactly, is ceremonious?

• Unless all flags are raised and lowered simultaneously, the Australian National Flag should be raised first and lowered last.
• When the Australian National Flag is flown with flags of other nations, all flags should be the same size and flown on flagpoles of the same height
• When flying with only one other national flag, the Australian National Flag should fly on the left of a person facing the flags.

We're better than everyone else. Don't forget it. And, by the power of one piece of coloured cloth flying over another piece of coloured cloth, we will show you all.

• The flag should never be flown if it is damaged, faded or dilapidated. When the material of a flag deteriorates it should be destroyed privately and in a dignified way. i.e it may be cut into small unrecognisable pieces then disposed of with the normal rubbish collection.

Treat it like you do your porn collection.

• The flag should not be flown upside down, even as a signal of distress.

Oh god. We're stranded on a desert island full of zombies infected by ebola virus with one television that plays survivor on repeat. Is it time to hang the flag upside down as a signal of our distress?

• The flag should not fall or lie on the ground or be used as a cover.

Read previous post. If they got the flag police out at Anzac day in Gallipoli... = profit.

There's also a fun quiz you can do.

http://www.itsanhonour.gov.au/students/quiz/symbol/quiz/index.cfm

Everyday more of us are born - but they are getting better at their job. Protect kids from this junk.

More to come.

Lest We Forget?

It's coming. Anzac Day is a couple of weeks away, and with it we get the yearly warnings from RSL Presidents fearful of babies in strollers, that retard Tony Abbott reminding us (with great Catholic eloquence) that it is a sacred day. Divine and holy. The most important day of the year. Wear a suit and tie. Don't forget.

You'd think they'd be satisfied. Gallipoli has become one of the most popular stops on the backpacker pilgrims trail. It's right up there with those gay kangarooo/Foster's themed pubs in England, stealing giant beer mugs at Oktober fest and drinking blue 2 euro cocktails on a Greek island til you pash another bogan and/or pass out. Thousands of them, bussed down from İstanbul, still hungover from the bars of Sultana-met, covered in flags they carried from Sydney, standing starry eyed in that beautiful cove, swept up in that most despcicable of emotions - nationalistic pride.

Lest we forget? Remembering death is an important thing, sure. For the families and friends of those who died. National memory? Lest we forget the decisions of politicians and generals who sent them there. Lest we forget that those deaths happened under, and because of that flag you are warming yourself with in the cool April air. Lest we forget that still, now, 90 years later, the same stupid politicians and generals send boys and girls to kill other boys, girls, mothers and fathers in foreign lands in which we have no business, led by powers who can still rely on our fear of invasion by some yellow peril to the north.

How despicable, that these deaths continue to be used as a patriotic badge by opportunistic politicians. I shudder when I think how many times we will have to hear 'Lest we forget' uttered from both sides of the Parliament, having involved us in more filthy war. They forget so easily, those hypocrites who mourn the loss of life in Turkey, France, Vietnam, those hypocrites who fail to prevent more death and destruction in Iraq and Afghanistan.

At least be honest. Stand up and say on April 25: I forgot. I forgot because I decided, as they did in 1910, and 1939, and 1961, and since the beginning of time that the 'national interest' was worth more than human life. Don't show up at Gallipoli and Martin Place, wear rosemary and think this act makes up for the evil you have perpetrated that defiles the memory of dead youth.

We see your hypocrisy, and it sucks.

Cops want Australia Day grog ban

OK, so I'm a bit late, but I had problems connecting to the server so SHUT UP.

Australia Day. Doesn’t it make you proud? The 26^th January, a date dedicated to the memory of white men landing and colonising the big desert to the south of Asia. Congratulations: you guys happened to sail into a piece of rock and then proceeded to kill most of its inhabitants, either purposely or vicariously, mine the shit out of it, suck its meagre rivers dry, build monstrosities along a large proportion of the coast and then produce a species known as the bogan. Let’s celebrate this by drinking fuckloads and decking ourselves out in a flag dominated by the flag of some country a billion miles away, and eerily similar to some island where  they filmed Lord of the Rings.

Whats the problem here? Setting aside the cops’ (God I hate that word) ridiculous proposals, including the usual “no full strength sold before 2pm” (ok I’ll just get it the day before retards) and “no shots” (ok I’ll just order a tequila, no ice, no lemonade), there’s something else going on. I put it to the police that the problem lies not in the supply of alcohol on this day. I put it to the police that the problem lies in the promotion of nationalism and that membership of these fake freakin nations that we created is something to be proud of and celebrate. Hey! I was born inside this imaginary border! That makes me awesome! I put it to the cops that we should ban retarded people on Australia Day. That would make far more sense.

Ok, we are a lucky country. I don’t doubt it. Most of us don’t have to worry about food, or shelter, most of us can take holidays from time to time. We can protest . (within limits. And not if an American President is in town. And it probably won’t do anything anyway.) Most of the time our legal system works. (Nerds, I’m not referring to the Al-Kateb judgment here. Never in the history of law talking guys has a crapper decision been made.) We are free to create whatever political parties we want. (Which sometimes results in awesomeness, like the fishing party, and sometimes in total farce, like One Nation. And at the end of the day, it’s a choice between Right and Righter, but I digress.) Isn’t it time we started thinking about something else? We don’t live off the sheep’s back any more. There are alot of people in the world who live in shithouse conditions that can directly or indirectly be traced back to the way we live. I assure you I’m not going on some save the world trip here, dear friends, I’m too cynical for that. But if we are going to keep on accepting the benefits of globalisation, we also have to accept that nationhood and nationalism has to take a back seat to being a member of the global community. Fuck it. Live how you want, be happy, but sometimes just think a little. Especially on Australia Day. Also, drink heaps of beer, but just think.  Cause maybe after all our luckiness and wealth and golden soil and shit we have forgotten.... something. I dunno what. But waving a flag around isn’t gonna make you feel or think anything of any importance. Drinking beer might, though.