Just dont look

http://www.smh.com.au/world/may-the-palestinians-perish-says-leading-rabbi-20100830-147bs.html

Why do we give these people airtime?
My solution for Middle East peace: stop listening to retards.

Noice

Hey Justin Zeltzer, you rock

Election 2010, or, how I learned to stab my eyeballs out with forks.

It has come to my attention that an election is being held, a time where millions of Australians will be forced into primary schools and church halls nationwide and made to choose between two poms passionately committed to making us feel that the thing located behind our eyes and in our skulls is comprised of 3 day old mincemeat left to rot in the sun. Thats right folks, Election 2010: DONT FORGET HOW STUPID YOU ALL ARE.

Now, this is a common theme of all elections. Its the time in a politicians life where they get to tour the country, kissing babies, talk about hard working families, and remind the public that it is time to forgo any semblace of intelligence they may possess. Its a message that spews from all sides of the political spectrum, a bipartisan statement to the people of Australia: YOU'RE ALL DUMB AS DOGSHIT, AND DON'T FORGET IT.

I'm eternally grateful to Gillard and Abbott for setting the standard so high so early in the piece with the ridiculousness that was Masterchef. Now, I'm in two frames of mind about this:

1. It is perhaps a good thing that the Australian people prefer to watch some dudes making twice baked duck souffle with caremelised pig trotters and a red wine jus instead of two idiots engage in a debate that results in nothing but a worm moving up and down a screen. Perhaps it is something to be proud of, extreme apathy in the face of farce. A statement from the nation telling these idiots that we don't care what they have to say, we know they are going to lie and talk rubbish and use outdated catchphrases in a grand gesture of assumption that we are all, in fact, stupid. We acknowledge this, a we choose to watch souffle, thank you very much.

OR

2. Maybe the changing of the debate was a sign that we are all stupid. I fear that this act speaks volumes. Hey, idiots, watch your show. Dont challenge us or question what we say or what we do or the actions we take in power. Watch your duck, let us have our pointless debate an hour before it starts, and confirm what we spend out whole time telling you: STOP THINKING, JUST WATCH TV. WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THE HARD STUFF.

Anyway. I didn't get to see the debate, but I did read the transcripts and BOY WERE THEY AWESOME.

Gems from Gillard:

1. "It's a choice between Australia moving forward and going back, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.." Chanelling Kang. I like it.

2. "The best country on Earth, but it can be a better country." Wait. We're the best country on Earth? When was the announcement? Was it during Masterchef, cause if it was I must have missed it. How can we be better if we're the best? What if we fuck up and move to second? Maybe we should retire and buy a house in the southern highlands and refuse to give interviews. Dont want to end up like Michael Jackson.

3. "A better economic plan where we can increase superannuation for more than 8 million hard working Australians." And the 2 million Australians who dick around at their jobs and take a few too many sickies can go get fucked.

4. "I believe in strong border protection and cracking down on people smugglers." Translation: Hey Bogans! Ill keep those towel head terrorists out!

5. "I believe in climate change, I believe its real, and I think Australians can help me here, help me, help  the nation, help their fellow Australians." Help me help you. Help me... help you. Its Jerry Ma-fucken-guire!

And Abbott

1. "This election is about a fair go." No, no, you've got it wrong. This 'election' is about people voting on who will make decisions in the Parliament. Thats what all elections are about. A 'fair go' is a retarded catch phrase rolled out by politicians at the time of elections in order to make us feel stupid and make them feel as is they are a true blue Ozzie with a ute and a hills hoist and a great grandfather who died at Gallipoli and a great great great Grandfather who used to shoot Abos for fun.

2. "My wife Margie and I know what it is like to raise a family, wrestle with a big mortgage, with school fees."
Translation: me and Margie have a big fuckoff house and all our kids go to private schools. Unlike Jules over there who looks like a dyke, but is actually living in sin with her poofter hairdressing boyfriend.

3. "If you elect the coalition you'll stop the taxes and stop the boats." Millions of bogans simultaneously think "Hmmmm.... I sure don't like taxes...... but boats? I like my boat. I like the way it sits in my driveway."

4. "They're wasting millions on pink batts" I think the debate was pretty much won at this point. Anyone who can say 'pink batts' with a straight face on a nationally televised debate to be the Prime Minister of the best country on Earth deserves the cheese. I dont know what they are, but they sound heaps like pink bits.

5. "This nothing but a pre-election fudge." "We all know what that is - another fudge" I'm still a bit mystified as to which phrase Abbott is alluding to here. Top contenders are "fuck-up" and "load of horseshit".

And, in summary, the issues that are important to the coming competition for Captain of best country on Earth are as follows:

My advice to you: hide your boats and stockpile fudge. And don't believe a word out of any of their lying mouths.

My advice to them: I'm gonna paraphrase Thoreau here. All your power and authority comes from us. All of it. Stop treating us like morons.

Kthnxby.