Faster and smarter than you.

Regular readers will remember my last rant about censorship, and also my call to the turkish courts to censor my blog instead of youtube.

Friends, the unthinkable has happened. When I tried to access my blog mere minutes ago, a notice appeared informing me that access to this website has been blocked by the Diyarbakir 1st Criminal Court of Peace. No shit. I thought 6 people read this thing, but obviously someone in far eastern Turkey is listening.

So this post serves no purpose except to say - HA. HA. HA. We have ways and means to avoid your filters, fuckers. We have been sitting in our house all day long watching stuff on youtube. I can access my blog whenever I feel like it. You guys can try and ban whatever you like, but at the end of the day we are smarter, faster and better at the internet than you. Or, some people I know are anyway. I can sit here, type whatever the fuck I feel like and you can't do anything.

Suck on that.

Your Mum's got a dick and your father's jealous: Why Turks lead the world in swearing.

Lesson 1: Covering what you already know.

You don't know it yet, but you can swear in Turkish. That irreplaceable audible pause of the English language 'Ummmmm....' translates in Turkish as that irreplaceable word for female genitalia 'Cunt'. Awesome. Thousands of Australian backpackers, not content with offending the locals with drunken renditions of Men at Work, have unknowingly been talking about vag while checking out Sultana Met.

Lesson 2: The versatility of animals

Animals, in particular the donkey, feature widely in Turkish insults. An old favourite of anyone forced onto the barely controlled madeness of İstanbul roads is to refer to anyone and everyone else on the roads as an 'eşşoğlu eşek' - son of a donkey. Recently one of my friends, following 25 beers, announced to me proudly and in English that his grandfather was a donkey. İ guess he was trying to tell me that while he was an asshole, he was only a second generation asshole, and İ should take that into account.

Lesson 3: Profanities are not only versatile and shit in English.

İ always thought the shit hitting the fan was an admirable use of language. Everytime it is used, İ can actually see shit hitting a fan and spreading across a pristine room. İ also appreciate the application of shit to everyday situations, like the operation of a fan. Turks too, have used this principle. 'Kargalar bok yemeden' translates as 'before the crows start eating shit' - or, really fucking early. 'İki ucu boklu değnek' refers to 'a cane with shit on both ends' - a big problem with no solutions. Another phrase for a fucked up situation is the classic 'Göte giren şemsiye açılmaz' - 'An umbrella inserted in the ass will not open'. And how.

Insert here.

Censorshit - a plea to the Ankara 12th Criminal Court of Peace

Friends, its been a while, but lets just say that İ have been on a top secret mission for the government that may or may not have included slipping slow acting poison to the cast of High School Musical. Keep your eyes peeled to monitor my success.

Topic for the day is: shit that you didn't think you gave a flying fuck about until it is no longer there. AKA - Youtube: the gaping hole in my life.

So, İ relocated to Turkey for a variety of reasons. 1. The kebaps in Australia are an embarassment to slowly rotating meat everywhere. 2. With the exit of J-Ho and the entry of K-Rudd, 10 years of seething anger were replaced with the kind of bland boredom only experienced by viewers of that Raymond Show and eaters of English food. 3. İ got nothing more. Needless to say, all future blogs will be broadcast live, hectic and fooly sik from Türkiye.

Getting to the point. Turkey has recently joined such luminaries such as İran, Saudi Arabia, China and İndonesia in banning Youtube. İ no longer have access to clips of girls shitting in spas, fat guys dancing or Prime Ministers picking their noses. İ thought İ didn't need access to such clips. İ thought İ could survive with conversation, books and the occassional newspaper. Oh how wrong İ was. You see, youtube has given us a chance to look into the lives of every raving lunatic with the skills to upload a video. These raving lunatics are what make life interesting. These raving lunatics give us shit to talk about over a beer. These raving lunatics deserve their 3 minutes and 43 seconds of time to cry about Britney Spears, share footage of their housemate wasted or even, god forbid, make a video about how Atatürk was really a woman with a moustache who collected Veronicas memorabilia and wanted to give İstanbul back to the Greeks.

Hey Jerks: if you want to block something, block my ears from ever having to listen to Kid Rock. Block access to any site promoting High School Musical. Block my blog for the Atatürk comments. Jesus. The possibilities are endless. But please, give me back my youtube motherfuckers....